if i were to write you into words

i would say:

you are a single petal
from one of
the most beautiful flowers
i have never seen

you take my breath away
with what little you give
and all that is missing

tricky tricky

there's what i know
and what i feel
what makes sense
and what goes
beyond the senses

i keep finding myself
at odds
whenever you cross my mind

requiem for disaster

reason calls to me
but i pretend to ignore
because i don't care

lost

today i am lost
so far away from knowing
my way in this world

will i ever get over you?

oh of course i will. but sometimes i wonder.

you were my everything and nothing all in the same breath. what we had was nothing worth mentioning, what i felt, was more than anything i've ever felt before. and still i search for it. the same intensity, the same trust, the same knowing above all knowing that we were made for each other.

my feelings for you were full of cheesy cliche. you completed me. i wanted to run away with you. i wanted live happily ever after, forever and ever. i believed we were two halves destined to become one. i believed the moon and the stars shone down upon us and smiled. i believed with all belief that you were mine and i was yours.

only it didn't work out that way.

we crashed and burned before we even had a chance to take off. somehow despite my knowing above all knowing that we were fated to be together, i was wrong. you actually weren't meant for me... and while i've come to accept that, i still can't quite get over it completely. at least not yet.

i blame my heart.

oh my tricky little heart. so full of deceit. so full of senseless mystery. why won't it behave? and why on earth would it have led me down such a slippery slope? make me so convinced about something that was not meant to be?

today i saw you. and though i've seen you so many times before, for some reason, this time was different. this time hit a little harder.

i heard you before i saw you. heard your voice, heard your laughter. heard you suddenly become silent mere feet away from me. i turned around. there you were. standing in front of me. smiling. and there i stood. standing in front of you. smiling. i couldn't not smile. it came so naturally. i smiled at you. at myself. at the memories we shared, the lives we now live. it was a smile that held the sum of what little we were and the vast abyss of what we are not.

you seemed happy, and despite all bitter jealous, self pity, moaning and groaning, blah blah blah excess weight of my loss that i can't quite seem to fully rid, etc, i felt happy for you. happy for you and for your stupid happy life. really. it warmed my heart to see that you are doing well. i felt a sense of peace and a part of me let go of you a little more. maybe a bit begrudgingly so, but still...

and i would have been completely happy, calm, smiling zen-like if it wasn't for my tricky, naughty, disobedient heart. my heart that just loves you, despite me telling it not to.

because while i was happy, my heart, was ecstatic. if you could have seen beneath my chest, you would have seen the way my heart leaped for you when our eyes met. it jumped up and down giddily, and believe me, if hearts had hands, those little heart hands would have been clapping for you. so happy. so excited. and so so let down when i had to tell it to stop. you are not mine. you are someone else's. you and i will never be.

and then as quickly as we said hello. we said our goodbyes again. and my heart beat hard against my breastbone. wanting desperately to escape and go with you. but i wouldn't let it. it needs to stay with me. life has something else waiting. i know this even as i miss you once again.

what can i say?

everything's blurry
all the words, thoughts, and feelings
pile up and tangle

sister haiku (ewww)

in this life i have

you. my sister, my soul mate

yeah... small kine lucky

matchy-matchy

i need just as much
crazy as i am for you
as you are for me

living & dying

it is an interesting thing
to be told
that someone i love
is going to die

(and by interesting
think hellish limbo of sorts)

i have fallen in between
what i have
and what i am going to lose

and i miss
before the missing has yet to occur

i think about death
when there is still life

i crave a familiar safeness
that has long disappeared

i try to focus on all that is
but i can't seem to stop myself
from drifting to all that will no longer be

i wait as life
teetor totters

she is on the edge
and i am too

my hope and fear
have become so intertwined
that i can't tear them apart
or distinguish one from the other

and so,
when no one is looking
i hold my hands
to my heart
and pray

but for what and to whom
i do not know...

morning after

in between bedsheets
satisfaction and regret
find themselves tangled

grrrr

grumpiness invades
despite trying to stay sweet
just can't help but grrrr

stay away from me... but not really

nothing seems to work
i want to be alone but...
it's far too lonely

friday night regrets

what once felt special
now leaves me emptied and numb
ashes to ashes...