will i ever get over you?

oh of course i will. but sometimes i wonder.

you were my everything and nothing all in the same breath. what we had was nothing worth mentioning, what i felt, was more than anything i've ever felt before. and still i search for it. the same intensity, the same trust, the same knowing above all knowing that we were made for each other.

my feelings for you were full of cheesy cliche. you completed me. i wanted to run away with you. i wanted live happily ever after, forever and ever. i believed we were two halves destined to become one. i believed the moon and the stars shone down upon us and smiled. i believed with all belief that you were mine and i was yours.

only it didn't work out that way.

we crashed and burned before we even had a chance to take off. somehow despite my knowing above all knowing that we were fated to be together, i was wrong. you actually weren't meant for me... and while i've come to accept that, i still can't quite get over it completely. at least not yet.

i blame my heart.

oh my tricky little heart. so full of deceit. so full of senseless mystery. why won't it behave? and why on earth would it have led me down such a slippery slope? make me so convinced about something that was not meant to be?

today i saw you. and though i've seen you so many times before, for some reason, this time was different. this time hit a little harder.

i heard you before i saw you. heard your voice, heard your laughter. heard you suddenly become silent mere feet away from me. i turned around. there you were. standing in front of me. smiling. and there i stood. standing in front of you. smiling. i couldn't not smile. it came so naturally. i smiled at you. at myself. at the memories we shared, the lives we now live. it was a smile that held the sum of what little we were and the vast abyss of what we are not.

you seemed happy, and despite all bitter jealous, self pity, moaning and groaning, blah blah blah excess weight of my loss that i can't quite seem to fully rid, etc, i felt happy for you. happy for you and for your stupid happy life. really. it warmed my heart to see that you are doing well. i felt a sense of peace and a part of me let go of you a little more. maybe a bit begrudgingly so, but still...

and i would have been completely happy, calm, smiling zen-like if it wasn't for my tricky, naughty, disobedient heart. my heart that just loves you, despite me telling it not to.

because while i was happy, my heart, was ecstatic. if you could have seen beneath my chest, you would have seen the way my heart leaped for you when our eyes met. it jumped up and down giddily, and believe me, if hearts had hands, those little heart hands would have been clapping for you. so happy. so excited. and so so let down when i had to tell it to stop. you are not mine. you are someone else's. you and i will never be.

and then as quickly as we said hello. we said our goodbyes again. and my heart beat hard against my breastbone. wanting desperately to escape and go with you. but i wouldn't let it. it needs to stay with me. life has something else waiting. i know this even as i miss you once again.