i love you most

i love you most
not when you do
those sweet things you do

not when you buy me flowers
or fix my mistakes,
nor when you cook me breakfast
or make me coffee while i struggle to get out of bed

not even when you build me a garden
with lettuce and daisies
chili peppers and basil
and all other sorts of wonders
that continue to grow because of you

and while i love you more than words can express
when i am lying in your arms
my head against your chest
feeling your warmth and your beating heart
that is still not when i love you most

nor is it found
in the throes of passion
when our bodies are fused as one
in between sweat, desire
and fevered whispers of our love

it is simpler than that
quieter
messier
and perhaps more morbid

i love you most
in those rare moments
when you strip down to nothing
and bare your soul

when we go past the polish
past the good deeds
even past the warm loving arms
and i am seeing every bit of you
raw
real
and yes, vulnerable too

because it is in those moments
that you give me all of you
even the parts you wish weren't you
and it is in those moments
that you are forced to trust me most
trust that i can love you
all of you

and in those moments
i am compelled to love you
even more
than all the other moments
that make me love you

my body aches
and my heart breaks
with overflowing emotion
that is both pleasure and pain
sadness and happiness

and all i want
is to be
everything for you

and maybe it is not so much a matter
of when i love you most

it is just that i do
and will
love you always

me

it is always about me
my feelings
my thoughts
my woes
worries
despair

even when it is about others
it is still about me

perhaps one day
i shall write
of other things

perhaps one day
i will dedicate a poem
entirely to the sun
or the moon
or the flowers

maybe one day
i will be so evolved
as to write of issues
(no, not mine)
but the ones that inflict the world
the ones that are around me
day after day
the ones i turn my cheek away from
too busy to watch the news
too scared to look around
too focused on me

perhaps one day
my greedy self obsession
will fade away

but until then
i will write
about me
about how i love the sun
how i love the moon
and the pretty flowers

and how
after my work day is done
i want to be as far away
from the world's suffering
as is possible

lying in your arms

all worries and woes
disappear, lulled into silence
by your beating heart

Even Kalihi

Last night the moon
Lit our path
As we made our way
To the edge of our private cliff
Overlooking the shores
Of Waimanalo

I liked sitting with you
In the not so dark night
Tucked into your arms
That attempted to keep me warm
From the cold winds
That nipped at my bare skin

And as cheesy as it may sound
I couldn’t help but think
Not for the first time that day
About how much I love you

I am inclined to follow you
Wherever you shall go

Even Kalihi

blindly

i stumble through this life
grasping on to what feels safe to hold
even if, only in the moment

and for the most part
this blind living
has sharpened my senses
and allowed me
to be open for whatever comes my way

i go with the flow
i embrace life as it comes
i await my destiny as it is
hand delivered to my doorstep
in whatever form it comes

even when it's not what i wanted
i try my best to work with it,
not against it
and look for the lessons
always look for the lessons

and it's also allowed for
some pretty interesting experiences
situations and encounters
that i may have missed
had i not been fumbling in the dark
that make me who i am today
had i not been fumbling in the dark
that i am forever grateful for
and humbled by
because of fumbling in the dark

but lately i've been wondering
what the world might look like
if i opened my eyes
and truly thought about what it is i want
in more detail than vague themes
and one word mantras

only, i've been living eyes wide shut
for so long
i'm not sure if i know how
to open my eyes
and start seriously thinking
about this life i want to live

i know the big things:
love
happiness
challenge
comfort
humor
passion
being a part of something bigger than me
family
more love
nature
art
wholeness
with a drop of never ending emptiness
that pushes me
to always seek
always crave
more

but the details?
no idea

and a part of me fears
that destiny
is going to stop hand delivering herself
to my door step
and if i don't go out searching for her
i'll mistake junk mail
for meant to be's
because with eyes shut
every package
feels like a package

only, i don't think that could ever be me
but still
in the dawn of morning
i can't help but feel that twinge of fear
that asks me
am i doing this living life right?

haiku

chocolate

i knew i loved you
the moment my lips first kissed
your gift of sweetness

cinderella dreams part 1: before the prince

(2007)

you won't be perfect
i know this
we will have our moments
and there will be times
when you will fail me
and i will fail you

there will be momentswhen,
despite all certainty
i will still find myself
scared and doubting
and i will need you
to hold me just a little tighter

we will test each other
pushing past all that we know
finding and losing ourselves
a thousand times over

in this.
in all that we are.

forevermore.

something old... until there's finally something new

still no poetry and forcing it just feels wrong, so instead, i'm going to post old stuff...

i need to move a bunch of stuff over from my old myspace blog, as well as stuff i have written down in books and journals...

tonight i found an old journal from when i was 19.

i find it both cute and embarrassing to see who i once was

ode to my pen

out of my head
into my hand
you command words
across the paper

in short, crisp stanzas
you make thoughts immortal
giving feelings a voice
reminding me, ridiculing me
telling my truths and my lies

you help my heart heal
while breaking it
speaking words of love,
hate, anger and bliss

i never seem to
be able to control you
but when i'm in your presence
the possibilities are endless

(1998)

comittment

i haven't been writing poetry, so i'm going to try to write a poem a week. even if it's a complete disaster.

i miss words cycling through my head

i miss verses creating themselves in all sorts of situations

i miss poetry

and so i'm gonna force it. it's not coming naturally, and i'm tired of waiting. i hope this will work... fingers crossed

untitled

as if you were a snowflake
falling from the sky
i reached out my hand
toward your beauty

afraid to touch
but too compelled
to resist

you melted into me
and before i knew it
there was nothing left
but tears on my cheeks

total ellipisis of the heart

it was a case of
i'm not ready for you,
yet...

it was an
i love you,
but...


it was...
...
...


followed by
...
...


and it went on for...
...
...